All I wanna be.

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Ok, look, if you have read my blog entries or even better (for me, not you I’m sure) if you know me, you know that I’ve always wanted more……some might even say I’m capable of more. I think I have those things in me to be more. I mean I’ve done things……………I’ve written songs, I’ve helped folks, I’ve recently wrote an article that was published. It was published in a local magazine but still published. 

Here I am drunk and stoned and worried that my funeral may be a quiet affair. Maybe I’m just being a sensationalist but I really does hurt to feel like you have something to offer but every time you try to give you just kick yourself in the nuts. I have friends that say “keep writing” or “Write another song”. Sometimes they even say “You know, you could be an actor”. So how does this 30 year old do it? How do I become the “more” that so many folks tell me I can be? NO Really…..I’m asking!!! How do I do it? I know I’m not the only one that KNOWS that they’re worth more. You’ve played hockey or wrote or built something. I know you. I am your friend and I do my best to encourage you but we’re still here. We’re still here working and playing and washing the floor and putting the toilet seat down and buying toilet paper. 

Some of us are blessed with natural talent and good looks so we’ll (you’ll) never fail. Still some of us are broken and set back and all the things. So again I have to ask “how do WE do it?”. Hard work is SO HARD!!! I would love it if some dude came up to me one day and said: “Hey I like what you did there, can I give you money to do that?”. I don’t think that makes me lazy or makes me a                        . I think I just want my Justin Bieber moment. The most important thing to me is that you get YOUR Justin Bieber moment too. Most of us have so much more to give. Most of us have tried harder. Most of us aren’t friends with USHER. 

I know a girl. She’s beautiful, clever and she fucking loves whisky and pulled pork. She models sometimes but shes not famous (to anyone other than me). How does she get huge? How do I get to see her on a billboard? To be quite honest; Jonna deserves to be famous but really she’d have to kill a hooker to get her name known in Vancouver. So would I. Sadly, so would you. So My ultimate question is: 

How does Jeff Wragg get noticed for the pear salad he makes? How does Allison Crawford get noticed for being the best, nicest and smartest woman who ever lived? How do I help? When the these talented folks I know get their moment in the sun? I refuse to believe that it’s just hard work or “who you know”. I mean really!!!! In a world where Nickleback is famous for doing what Pearl Jam did but without the 200 live albums someone like Scott Cosgrove cannot get his book published. Maybe I’m just drunk and angry and lazy but I gotta say; I know some great folks and they are being overlooked because……………………..Well, I can’t say. So here’s to you Jonna and Jeff and Scott and Allison and all of you who’ve ever felt you’ve had more to give. Sorry for the drunk rant but I’m drunk and wanted to rant. 

 

Your boyfriend for the evening.

Joseph Rox

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Damn you Kurt Cobain!!!!

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It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt inspired enough to blog about nearly anything. I’m sat here in the guitar room (what you don’t have a guitar room?) browsing social media and out of nowhere I’m kicked in the head by Jeff Perera, Kurt Cobain and Joey Mleczko……at the same time. Kurt Cobain in utero: My role model for being a Male Ally is a think piece and homage to a forward thinking, troubled, troubadour  by Jeff Perera shared by Joey Mleczko.  The article was moving and thought provoking. I suggest you give it a read.

Now………….on to the meat and potatoes.

I’m not a fan of kurt Cobain. Before you cry blasphemy just understand that in 1991 I was 9 years old. I knew nothing of Nirvana. As I got a bit older I had to find out what all the buzz was about. January 15th 1994, with some late birthday money from my aunt I carted 12 my year old self to Sam the Record Man on James north in Hamilton and bought “In Utero” and “Bleach”. MIND. BLOWN. New, poignant, progressive, and different. Then, as I do, I learned everything i could about this band and the depressed guy with the stripy sweater. The more I learned the more excited I got……..THIS BAND IS GOING TO CHANGE MUSIC FOREVER. I was excited, even Neil Young got on the Nirvana band wagon and groups like Alice in Chains and Pearl Jam were getting huge. Kurt Cobain was leading a march of disenfranchised youth. Then, BANG. A rainy day in April this guy threw it all away and quoted Neil Young as he did it. “It’s better to burn out than to fade away”. Fuckin’ hell!  Those lyrics weren’t meant for you Kurt. Our leader has left the building but wait WAIT!!!! Those cute boys from Florida will hang out for a while. They’re called the Backstreet something or other……. They do that song: Get Down……they brought Lou Pearlman along to ruin the party so stick around cause this is gonna suck!!! Oh yeah in a year or so a group of boys called Hanson will drop by to make it so god damned hard for anyone with a touch of creativity, talent and independence to get there thoughts out……….Oh Let me introduce you to Chad Kroger………………. We’ll be handing out bandages for your bleeding ears at the back near the merch table.

I know this is a stretch but, I blame the selfish suicide of Kurt Cobain for the rise in pop music in the mid 90’s. The stats are there if you feel like spending an afternoon challenging this odd little Canadian man’s blog that is frequented by 8 whole people. Cobain was the last of the Musical Prophets. Up there with Dylan, Townes Van Zandt, John Cash, Willie Nelson, Grand Master Flash, Morrissey and the like. He left his congregation of free thinking, young, talented, hungry kids who one day could change the way people think just by quoting his words. He left us without so much as a “This is it, you gotta go the rest of the way on your own”.

I’m writing this blog because I feel like a jilted lover who has found an old letter under his bed from the love of his life. Jeff Perera’s article on Kurt Cobain’s support for equality and sometimes outspoken demand for it, made me realize once again how important he was. How important it was that he stayed making the music he made, moving the generation he did, and encouraging his listeners, critics, and fans to fulfill their duty.

Kurt once said “The duty of youth is to challenge corruption”.

So today I’ll pull out my special edition 12″ copies of Bleach and Nevermind and curse that man with every ounce of my being.

So in the words of Courtney Love “God, you asshole”

Your boyfriend for the evening

Joseph Rox

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A few days in……….

gratitudeGood grief! 25 views in one day and 6 followers at the moment. I know by most standards this is probably quite mediocre but I’m a little touched that a very small group of the 7 billion on this planet enjoyed my blog enough to click “follow”, let alone stick around long enough to read a post or two. So thank you. It really means alot. In an odd way it’s encouraging. I know most people love an underdog story but this isn’t that. I’m very blessed and all of my short comings are result of my own doing. But I’ll change these things and I’m glad that I have somewhere to record my progress and every view is a touch of encouragement! So, again, thanks.

You know, it’s a funny thing……….by writing some of these things down and sending them out into the cosmos of the Interweb it makes me feel accountable to everyone that has had a look. I’m excited for whats in store. I’m inspired to do a bit better and be a bit more thoughtful. I’m also a little surprised and ashamed that I haven’t felt this way after looking friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and myself in the eye when I let them down.

Shit. That’s a tough thing to admit.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening

-Joe-

(More tomorrow…….this is getting scary.)

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Hey could you speak up?

I'm having good luck finding pics for these blogs!!

I’m having good luck finding pics for these blogs!!

I’m having a pretty good day today so I’m gonna talk about something other than my self…………sorta. I’m not going to provide any statistics but I am going to make assumptions based on my view of the world and moral set. Cause I’m like that.

We all have a cause I think. Some folks stand on their soap box for gender/sexual equality, others for disease and sickness, others for mass corporate ethical type things, animal rights, famine, oppression, religion and, so on. Some of us do a great job standing up for our causes. Others? Well not so much. For instance:FIRST, There is a guy I know; funny, clever, great bartender and boy oh boy does he get folks movin!! This man is a champion for gender equality, women’s rights and even helps raise cash for a local food charity in my city. Between Facebook, blogging, public speaking, and I’m sure many other forums, he raises awareness and opens folks minds for causes that he really believes in. This is to be commended I think. On the flip side there’s another guy I know that posts articles relating to the Illuminati’s involvement in EVERYTHING on his social media. The later, in my opinion, is the equivalent to a hobo walking around with a cardboard sign that reads “The End is Neigh”.

I believe that without troubadours, philanthropists, free thinkers, Samaritans, and the like, this little blue and green rock we call home would look quite differently than it does today. With that said, I wonder if  all of this would be necessary if we all just had a touch more common courtesy. My point? Get this. In my city we have an annual summit called the SLUT WALK. This tongue in cheek named event, from my understanding, is a feminist event celebrating women’s rights and does it’s best to hammer home the idea that survivors of sexual abuse and profiling are not to blame for the crimes and offences committed against them. I’ve been to 2 of these events as a spectator and I’ll tell ya, it’s quite a scene!!  Bare with me here…………Now I know and you know that rape, abuse and any measure of being inappropriate sexually  is not only unacceptable but it’s, on a visceral level, just plain WRONG.  This is where my idea of a bit more common courtesy might come in handy. How about we don’t rape women? Well let’s go a bit farther and just not rape anyone? And on the off chance that someone is abused…….let’s not blame the victim. OK?

Did you feel how silly that was? Suggesting that maybe if folks just didn’t do wrong, we wouldn’t need these empowered folks to raise awareness and bring light to some of these horrible issues? What a dream right? I guess my point is this:

This summer when you see a group of folks gathered somewhere with a bull horn and a soap box maybe have a listen. It could be a PRIDE march, Student protest, whatever it is it’ll be hard to miss I’m sure.  Find out what they’re making a fuss about because until we, as a global unit, reach a collective agreement on what is right and wrong we NEED these passionate speakers, demonstrators, artists, bloggers, and organizers to rally for and with folks with a unified voice to say “Um…..hey those things yer doin? Yeah, that’s kinda shitty and here’s why. Think you could cut it out? Thanks pal, sorry for blocking the street but we just had to let you know”

Cheers to the ones that raise their voices and by no means am I including myself in that bunch of courageous folks.

-Your boyfriend for the Evening-

-Joe

(Do I use the word “folks” too much?)

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Love and Rockets……… (or how to fall in love with everything)

I wish I built this image!!

I wish I built this image!!

My last entry seemed to be received well and I feel a touch lighter for having let it out there for anyone to see. This has driven me to my next confession: I love you, now watch me run away from you. Here’s the thing, anyone that shows me the least bit of affection I must, ABSOLUTELY must say and do things to let them know exactly how I can ruin a potentially healthy and meaningful relationship.  I’ve been engaged twice, I’ve bought 3 engagement rings, I’ve lived with 4 different love interests and tore  just about every relationship I’ve ever had into pieces at some point or another.

I know it may sound like I’m beating myself up or even being a bit of a sensationalist but I’m just doing my best to be as honest as I can because you never know who may pass by this little spot in the world wide web. I’m not going to make a list or get into the gory details of my love life but I will say that every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve had the best intentions from the beginning. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I believe that my capacity for love may be larger than some folks. I’ve wholeheartedly loved a man, a girl with a debilitating anxiety disorder, a kleptomaniac and a drag queen. I’ve helped with situations from drug abuse to financial peril, from sexual abuse to suicide attempts. This doesn’t excuse the amount of leaving I have done. I’d just like to give you a picture of my intentions. Here’s how these things happen: I meet someone that enjoys my company. My next thought is “Shit they’re gonna fuck off when they realize I’m just me”. So, I build my self up with things like dinner and songs on my guitar and stories of my past and my travels. Then SEX!! Then cuddles and hand holding………Then, I pull the trigger. “I think you’re really special sweetheart and I really what to spend more time with you” . Now this sounds like the usual path of healthy dating right? Kind of is, except this whole scenario happens in one evening.  I say and do these things and the person in my bed believes me so they call, and text and think of me when they’re out and then the next time we see eachother it’s too close for me but I know I’ve said and done these things and if I came clean now I’d look like a liar. I keep the charade going and give all of my self to it while keeping it at an arms length. Then 3 weeks, or 6 years later I say it’s too much. I pick out minor things that mean “We can’t be together” and make them huge. Now for the grand exit. “You’re very special to me and I’m hurting just as much as you but it has to be this way”. Exit stage left. Curtain down. Audience gives standing ovation.

Now the previous paragraph may read as a prideful guide to get laid but I wrote it with all humor of a regretful guy that despite his best efforts is waking up alone on a Wednesday morning. I’m not proud. Since New Years I’ve really felt a need for change from my detrimental, abusive and full of excess type lifestyle. My plan? Well……..Really I don’t have a PLAN yet but I do have an idea. I’m going to start with this blog. Admission and seeing the things I do in black and white, back lit on my laptop at 9 am is very humbling. Ultimately honesty with myself and self control are the keys for a bit of change and I know it’ll take some time. There are a couple important people in my life that I’ve reached out to and started the process of apology and laid the first bricks on the road to a healthy FRIENDSHIP. Having a look at this blog every now and again may help a bit aswell. I’m still going to sign off on these blogs the way I always do because I like the way it sounds and I may or may not have stole it from George Strombolompolus. Thanks for taking a few moments to have a bit of a look-see into my life. Stay tuned for the next bit of honesty and catharsis.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening,

-Joe-

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My Jobs…….All Of ‘Em!!

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Just found this. Moved me a bit.

So it’s been quite a while since I’ve even looked at my WordPress account. In that time very little has changed. To be quite honest, very little has changed in my life since I was 15 years old. Sure my address may have changed a few times, I may have been in and out of relationships and I have definitely switched jobs………….many, many times. My life has remained a constant Groundhog Day, so to speak, for a million and one reasons.

My Point?

Time for a change, I think. I’m planning to do my best to change the important things. The things that, in my opinion, after a few weeks of introspection, self inventory, and honesty are most important  for a healthier relationship with myself, friends, and loved ones. This ain’t gonna be easy I’m sure but I’m promising anyone who may happen to stumble upon this stranger’s blog to give it a fair shake and see where it goes.

I think it best to do it in stages. I’ll let go of some secrets, reveal some lies, tell a bit of the truth and then every so often talk about where I’d really like to be………….So here goes!! I figured I’d start out by listing EVERY job I’ve ever had. This won’t be easy because there’s quite a bit of shame associated to this subject because I’ve had ALOT of jobs. Many (actually MOST) of them I was fired, let go, terminated ect. for various reasons. In many cases it was because I am not a punctual person, I feel entitled and worthy of praise for no good reason, or I simply gave up. I’m a prideful person with no real reason for it. I naturally feel superior to most people at most of my jobs and I am there for instant gratification, praise, beer money, to stave off boredom and mainly because it’s something to do. In almost every instance I’ve experienced a level of anxiety in building myself up so high that my skill cannot keep up and eventually I cannot get back to just being the new guy. In short I get a job, I build myself up, I cannot make good on my claims and I’m fired in 6 months.

That’s the Truth! I’d like to change these ways of thinking. I’d like to come to work and just do the job. I’d like to not interrupt another bartender and spew out my bartending credentials or after meeting a co-worker for the first time immediately imagine I’m  an integral part of the social fabric of that workplace. I’d like to be a bit more motivated by the pursuit of a JOB WELL DONE. I’d also like to experience less anxiety about starting a new day at work and just be the NEW GUY……….

My Job History (starting at age 15……I’m 30 now)

  1. McDonalds
  2. Protocol (tele-marketing)
  3. Randy River (retail)
  4. McDonalds (second time)
  5. Rainbow Lounge (first bar I ever worked at)
  6. Minix Tele-Marketing
  7. The WERX (bar/nightclub)
  8. Canway (mfg. plant)
  9. Jolly Farmers (pub in England)
  10. Route 66 (bar)
  11. Acclemation (restaurant)
  12. Subway
  13. Hill Program (group home)
  14. Good Shepherd Center (group home)
  15. McDonalds (3rd time)
  16. Bell Canada (CSR)
  17. Hamilton Windows & Doors (tele-marketer)
  18. Honest Lawyer (bar)
  19. Jax Bar (karaoke host)
  20. Old Fire Hall (karaoke host)
  21. Jolly Farmers (2nd time)
  22. Castle Tavern (England)
  23. Thirst (cocktail bar England)
  24. The Lodge (Gentleman’s Club England)
  25. Beaver and Bulldog (pub)
  26. Burger King
  27. Grand Olympia (banquet hall)
  28. The Homestead (bar)
  29. Endzone (karaoke host)
  30. Splitzville (bowling alley)
  31. Honest Lawyer (2nd time)
  32. Sarcoa (bar/restaurant)
  33. Proctor Manor (group home)
  34. Boston Pizza
  35. Boston Pizza (2nd location)
  36. The Firkin on Younge (bar)

In between these jobs I also took part time jobs in Roofing, Tiling, Demolition, Being a musician, hosting Open Mic Nights, Moving, among others.

This list is very shameful and I’ve gotta say, very embarrassing! I think Ive now reached a critical point in my life where I’ve recognized a problem and I’m trying to build a skill-set to change it. I don’t want to be the brunt of employment jokes to my friends anymore, I don’t want to see another unsurprised face when I say I’m “unemployed at the moment”. I absolutely don’t want to be fired again and I don’t want to feel the way I do anymore Realizing that I’ve had almost 40 jobs (probably more) in only 15 years and the shear mathematics of it all is just mortifying. I can’t say I have a fool proof plan at the moment but I believe that by taking small steps to keep myself conscious of the little things I do that become big indicators that I may not be a productive or contributory employee will help. I’m going to keep a copy of this list in my wallet to remind me how horrible I’d feel having to add another Employer to it. I’m going to do my best to keep my mouth shut and not be over familiar. And boy oh boy I gotta get to work on time, prepared, with a full stomach, with all the tools I need to do my job effectively and last but not least I MUST be honest with myself regarding my weaknesses and my strengths.

Here’s to doing my best.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening

-Joe-

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Sunsets aren’t meant to be watched alone………………

Just to Hold a Hand    “…There is a man…for lack of better word, a man. Like others before him and many after him he has eyes….but oh! his eyes. Not blue, green, brown, but, a mixture of them all. They get brighter and brighter as I come closer and closer. It’s these eyes that make this man glow, not glow, but burn. Burn in a shroud of green. He has a mind that looks at the tip of a pin and sees angels dancing. This is a man, for me, from which all other men will be judged. He is strong like like Atlas still he carries the weight of the world. Twice, maybe four times in a while I give him my arms to do with what he wishes. Then his weight is lifted and he can sleep. Oh what a man. He brings flowers with every word and storms and gales and waves towering over everything I have with every tear. This I vow……Forever you will be in my heart, no, in my soul. Your name is written on the inside of my skull and cannot, will not be erased. Thank you for all that you are. I love you for all that you aren’t…”

I’ve realized love is not JUST ONE. It isn’t just one person, it cannot be something that comes along just once. It is a process, and a job you enjoy waking up for and a bit of kit you can pick up and carry with you as long as you deem it to be real. Love can do the things you hear in movies: “It gave me wings”, “It was like hitting a home run” but really love lasts as long as both people involved remain relevant to eachother. — one is sick, the other stays and cares while, still sick, the other shows in any way they can that you’re needed and welcome and inspirational. That is love. I’ve experienced something like that but we both made ourselves irrelevant to each-other. We cared, we supported, we did the things……. just not enough to put our egos and our regrets for the decisions and the short comings we’ve made and dealt/deal with aside. To “ride off into the sunset” both of you (us) need(ed) to be in the same boat so to speak. Confidence, self respect, drive, and so on.

There is a trip in my near future. It will see this boy on the cobbles of old Oxford Town once again. There is a boy there. Oh does he love me so! And I love him.  I think we’re in the same boat but alot of time has passed. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I do not know. I do know that I will cuddle that boy as soon as i see him. We will have a nice meal and a chat and speak about things we miss. After that we’ll take it slow and see if we can be relevant again.

There is a couple I know. It’s their second marriage ( for both). They are supportive, ultimately supportive. Through lost jobs, their kids (and spouses) needing a roof over their heads, laziness, soccer games, and furniture re-arranging, the only constant I saw, and still see, is support. Un-wavering support. They’re smart and have been through it all once before. Bless them. One day it’ll be the same for me…..and you. We are worth it and we’ll get it right.

-this note is for US. All of us. We who have loved and lost and wanna try again. Next time around we might stumble upon someone with all the things that can let us wake up with a smile 4 out of 7 days of the week……at least.

-Your boyfriend for the evening
-Joe-

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Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas…………….?

    I like the idea of having a blog as it’s like a diary anyone can read if they so chose. That said……………..

I posted this status on my Facebook wall 7 hours ago for fun to see what kind of reaction I would get from my friends:

I wish people would stop wishing me a Merry Christmas!!! I’m not Catholic! Jeeper Creepers! Happy Holidays is a much better way to wish someone good tidings during the holiday season!

With a Facebook profile of only 280-or-so friends I was surprised to have received 9 comments in about an hour. Some were funny, some were racist, some were over religious and one was so funny that I had to delete it. I now have 3 less Facebook friends than I did before that posting as I will not have bigots as friends even if its just a silly Facebook page. The general consensus was: “this is Canada and we celebrate CHRISTMAS!”.  I celebrate the 25th of December as a day for family and/or friends to get together and show their appreciation for one another. I do not affiliate myself with any religion and I have made a very educated decision not to do so. I would stand side by side with any Canadian Muslim, Catholic, Jew, ect. and fight for their right to practice their religion. I also have great admiration for anyone that can give their life to something they believe in. Though your religious beliefs may differ from mine I will respect you and praise you for them. I will never tell you that you are wrong for believing in what you do nor will I say that your beliefs are less than mine. BUT if you try to back me into a corner and tell me your beliefs are better or more sound or even more righteous  than mine I will call bullshit! I will then stand up for, not only myself but, anyone else that disagrees (unless they’re a Nazi cause Nazi’s are just rubbish).

This was my final comment on the issue:

Just so I’m clear: I posted this status because I was tired of the semi-racist status’ posted saying things such as “It’s merry Christmas, if you don’t like it fuck off to your own country” There are CANADIANS that do not celebrate Christmas as a Religious holiday, there are also CANADIANS that do not recognize the 25th of December as a meaningful date at all. I celebrate Christmas. I like hearing people say Merry Christmas. I love Christmas dinner. I FUCKING love carols but it seems, too many folks get on their religious high horse around the first of December and it makes me uncomfortable. I mean really do you, my friends, really think I’m that insensitive that I would alienate any of my religious friends with a Facebook post. I respect EVERYONE’S religious beliefs and I would fight, right beside you, for your right to practice any religion you feel the need to BUT I cannot stand racism and bigotry. So the next time someone wishes you a HAPPY HOLIDAY understand that they are wishing you all the best during this meaningful season and that they’re not trying to change your way of life or “take over your country”. That is all. This thread will be deleted on the 25th of December.

As I finish this blog I am overcome by a feeling of listlessness. The argument between the advocates of keeping the word Christmas in schools, media and in public social settings seems to be moot. We all understand that there are folks with beliefs that differ from ours and, at heart, most of us would rather not offend or alienate ANYONE………..So why is it so difficult to wish someone  Happy Holidays? This phrase encompasses the feeling and  grandeur of the season without discrimination.

So to finish this off I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas to those who celebrate the birth of the son of GOD, Happy Kwanzaa to the NAACP, Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends, Happy Festivus to all the Seinfeld fans AND Happy Holidays to EVERYONE!!!!!

Joseph-Your Boyfriend For The Evening-Rox

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Another coming out story?

That one night.So here it is! My first ever blog, though I’m kind of winging it as I am unsure how a blog differs from a diary……oh well here goes nothin’!

I could keep my first post light and talk about Lady Gaga’s new video or how, at the moment, I’m not extremely excited for the holidays but there are more pressing issues to blog about. I’d like to dedicate my first blog to Samantha. Samantha was another face that popped into my life when I was a nineteen year old bartender struggling with my sexuality, drugs and, my first bartending job. We weren’t really “friends” so to speak we’d say “hello” or share a joke at the bar but that was it. I guess I was more of a “fan” of  her confidence. Sam is a trans woman. She’s active in the community,  quite a good role model, always open and, was quite a big inspiration to me while I was coming out. Though she may not have known it at the time.

My “coming out” was as much as it could be for a bi-sexual guy that grew up in a shitty area of a poor Canadian steel town. The first friend I lost upon telling him that “I kinda like boys” devastated me. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was appalled at his ignorance and I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I mean that, I felt there was something wrong with my whole life and everything I knew as “OK” or “normal”.When he asked my if I ever looked at his “junk” while changing when we went swimming as kids hit me pretty hard. How dare he!?!  I went to work at a little gay bar in my city and started the day shift just shattered. I started to think of what my other friends thought of me working here and me meeting boys. Should I just kiss those friends goodbye and save myself  the hurt and anger ? After work  I met my mother at her apartment for a home cooked meal (I was 19 and living on my own at the time and mom cooking me a meal was an EVENT!!). I came out to her telling her that “there’s a boy in my life and he’s cool and  I wasn’t ready for a “boyfriend” but he makes me happy”. Of course I ensured her that I was still very much into girls as she always wants grandchildren. That conversation did not go well………….I’ll just say I was out the door before the salad hit the table. There I was: nineteen years old, hurt and confused because of who I am while walking home half in tears (how dramatic huh?). I spent the next two days in my basement apt drinking cheap beer, ignoring the phone and, feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday! Back to work at the bar. I had decided that this life wasn’t for me and that it must have been a phase. I was planning to tell my boss at the end of that shift I was quitting then I would go home and call my mom and apologize. It hurt. It hurt a lot to let friends and family down, not to mention, I felt like an alien. To be completely honest I now felt that the folks in the bar were aliens too. Around 12 o’clock Sam came in with some friends, or came in to join some friends and of course I said hello, served her a drink and kept working. I was really in the dumps and I guess my boss noticed and gave me the rest of the evening off to have a few drinks. I told him I was going home and that I’d call him later……We needed to talk. He said that I couldn’t leave as he had bought me a beer and I’ll tell you I am not one to refuse a cocktail!  Sam came to the bar to order a round of shots for her table and bought me a Jack Daniel’s. I watched as she went back to her friends. I wondered if she went through the things that I had just experienced? She’s so confident and strong how could she have? She calls me over! Oh no! I put on a smile and go over and meet her friends. They’re great! Funny, interesting, very good-looking, clever folks. I loosened up. I had a few drinks and a laugh or two and suddenly its last call and I’m walking out the door with Sam……..to go play basket ball…….. in the park……… at 3am. And no; that’s not a euphemism for anything naughty. I thought about telling her about the past few days and all of the hurt, and confusion I was feeling and asking for some advice. Then it hit me! I was walking the streets at 3am to go play basketball with a 6ft tall tranny in heels carrying a pair of trainers and a basket ball and she couldn’t care less about anyone walking by or what they thought about her.

I decided right then that if she can be who she is and make no excuses for it while being much more visibly “different from me, I was not going to let anyone tell me I was wrong for being the guy I am. Sam doesn’t know how important that trip to the basketball court was and we still don’t really talk but I see her posts on Facebook and I follow her on Twitter and I still praise her confidence.

So here’s to you Sam! Thanks for being a late night basketball opponent. Oh and I’m sure anyone reading this is wondering…………………Yes.  She is great at basketball too.

Joe’s first blog.

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