Monthly Archives: December 2011

Sunsets aren’t meant to be watched alone………………

Just to Hold a Hand    “…There is a man…for lack of better word, a man. Like others before him and many after him he has eyes….but oh! his eyes. Not blue, green, brown, but, a mixture of them all. They get brighter and brighter as I come closer and closer. It’s these eyes that make this man glow, not glow, but burn. Burn in a shroud of green. He has a mind that looks at the tip of a pin and sees angels dancing. This is a man, for me, from which all other men will be judged. He is strong like like Atlas still he carries the weight of the world. Twice, maybe four times in a while I give him my arms to do with what he wishes. Then his weight is lifted and he can sleep. Oh what a man. He brings flowers with every word and storms and gales and waves towering over everything I have with every tear. This I vow……Forever you will be in my heart, no, in my soul. Your name is written on the inside of my skull and cannot, will not be erased. Thank you for all that you are. I love you for all that you aren’t…”

I’ve realized love is not JUST ONE. It isn’t just one person, it cannot be something that comes along just once. It is a process, and a job you enjoy waking up for and a bit of kit you can pick up and carry with you as long as you deem it to be real. Love can do the things you hear in movies: “It gave me wings”, “It was like hitting a home run” but really love lasts as long as both people involved remain relevant to eachother. — one is sick, the other stays and cares while, still sick, the other shows in any way they can that you’re needed and welcome and inspirational. That is love. I’ve experienced something like that but we both made ourselves irrelevant to each-other. We cared, we supported, we did the things……. just not enough to put our egos and our regrets for the decisions and the short comings we’ve made and dealt/deal with aside. To “ride off into the sunset” both of you (us) need(ed) to be in the same boat so to speak. Confidence, self respect, drive, and so on.

There is a trip in my near future. It will see this boy on the cobbles of old Oxford Town once again. There is a boy there. Oh does he love me so! And I love him.  I think we’re in the same boat but alot of time has passed. Does absence make the heart grow fonder? I do not know. I do know that I will cuddle that boy as soon as i see him. We will have a nice meal and a chat and speak about things we miss. After that we’ll take it slow and see if we can be relevant again.

There is a couple I know. It’s their second marriage ( for both). They are supportive, ultimately supportive. Through lost jobs, their kids (and spouses) needing a roof over their heads, laziness, soccer games, and furniture re-arranging, the only constant I saw, and still see, is support. Un-wavering support. They’re smart and have been through it all once before. Bless them. One day it’ll be the same for me…..and you. We are worth it and we’ll get it right.

-this note is for US. All of us. We who have loved and lost and wanna try again. Next time around we might stumble upon someone with all the things that can let us wake up with a smile 4 out of 7 days of the week……at least.

-Your boyfriend for the evening

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Happy Holidays or Merry Christmas…………….?

    I like the idea of having a blog as it’s like a diary anyone can read if they so chose. That said……………..

I posted this status on my Facebook wall 7 hours ago for fun to see what kind of reaction I would get from my friends:

I wish people would stop wishing me a Merry Christmas!!! I’m not Catholic! Jeeper Creepers! Happy Holidays is a much better way to wish someone good tidings during the holiday season!

With a Facebook profile of only 280-or-so friends I was surprised to have received 9 comments in about an hour. Some were funny, some were racist, some were over religious and one was so funny that I had to delete it. I now have 3 less Facebook friends than I did before that posting as I will not have bigots as friends even if its just a silly Facebook page. The general consensus was: “this is Canada and we celebrate CHRISTMAS!”.  I celebrate the 25th of December as a day for family and/or friends to get together and show their appreciation for one another. I do not affiliate myself with any religion and I have made a very educated decision not to do so. I would stand side by side with any Canadian Muslim, Catholic, Jew, ect. and fight for their right to practice their religion. I also have great admiration for anyone that can give their life to something they believe in. Though your religious beliefs may differ from mine I will respect you and praise you for them. I will never tell you that you are wrong for believing in what you do nor will I say that your beliefs are less than mine. BUT if you try to back me into a corner and tell me your beliefs are better or more sound or even more righteous  than mine I will call bullshit! I will then stand up for, not only myself but, anyone else that disagrees (unless they’re a Nazi cause Nazi’s are just rubbish).

This was my final comment on the issue:

Just so I’m clear: I posted this status because I was tired of the semi-racist status’ posted saying things such as “It’s merry Christmas, if you don’t like it fuck off to your own country” There are CANADIANS that do not celebrate Christmas as a Religious holiday, there are also CANADIANS that do not recognize the 25th of December as a meaningful date at all. I celebrate Christmas. I like hearing people say Merry Christmas. I love Christmas dinner. I FUCKING love carols but it seems, too many folks get on their religious high horse around the first of December and it makes me uncomfortable. I mean really do you, my friends, really think I’m that insensitive that I would alienate any of my religious friends with a Facebook post. I respect EVERYONE’S religious beliefs and I would fight, right beside you, for your right to practice any religion you feel the need to BUT I cannot stand racism and bigotry. So the next time someone wishes you a HAPPY HOLIDAY understand that they are wishing you all the best during this meaningful season and that they’re not trying to change your way of life or “take over your country”. That is all. This thread will be deleted on the 25th of December.

As I finish this blog I am overcome by a feeling of listlessness. The argument between the advocates of keeping the word Christmas in schools, media and in public social settings seems to be moot. We all understand that there are folks with beliefs that differ from ours and, at heart, most of us would rather not offend or alienate ANYONE………..So why is it so difficult to wish someone  Happy Holidays? This phrase encompasses the feeling and  grandeur of the season without discrimination.

So to finish this off I’d like to wish a Merry Christmas to those who celebrate the birth of the son of GOD, Happy Kwanzaa to the NAACP, Happy Hanukkah to my Jewish friends, Happy Festivus to all the Seinfeld fans AND Happy Holidays to EVERYONE!!!!!

Joseph-Your Boyfriend For The Evening-Rox

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Another coming out story?

That one night.So here it is! My first ever blog, though I’m kind of winging it as I am unsure how a blog differs from a diary……oh well here goes nothin’!

I could keep my first post light and talk about Lady Gaga’s new video or how, at the moment, I’m not extremely excited for the holidays but there are more pressing issues to blog about. I’d like to dedicate my first blog to Samantha. Samantha was another face that popped into my life when I was a nineteen year old bartender struggling with my sexuality, drugs and, my first bartending job. We weren’t really “friends” so to speak we’d say “hello” or share a joke at the bar but that was it. I guess I was more of a “fan” of  her confidence. Sam is a trans woman. She’s active in the community,  quite a good role model, always open and, was quite a big inspiration to me while I was coming out. Though she may not have known it at the time.

My “coming out” was as much as it could be for a bi-sexual guy that grew up in a shitty area of a poor Canadian steel town. The first friend I lost upon telling him that “I kinda like boys” devastated me. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was appalled at his ignorance and I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I mean that, I felt there was something wrong with my whole life and everything I knew as “OK” or “normal”.When he asked my if I ever looked at his “junk” while changing when we went swimming as kids hit me pretty hard. How dare he!?!  I went to work at a little gay bar in my city and started the day shift just shattered. I started to think of what my other friends thought of me working here and me meeting boys. Should I just kiss those friends goodbye and save myself  the hurt and anger ? After work  I met my mother at her apartment for a home cooked meal (I was 19 and living on my own at the time and mom cooking me a meal was an EVENT!!). I came out to her telling her that “there’s a boy in my life and he’s cool and  I wasn’t ready for a “boyfriend” but he makes me happy”. Of course I ensured her that I was still very much into girls as she always wants grandchildren. That conversation did not go well………….I’ll just say I was out the door before the salad hit the table. There I was: nineteen years old, hurt and confused because of who I am while walking home half in tears (how dramatic huh?). I spent the next two days in my basement apt drinking cheap beer, ignoring the phone and, feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday! Back to work at the bar. I had decided that this life wasn’t for me and that it must have been a phase. I was planning to tell my boss at the end of that shift I was quitting then I would go home and call my mom and apologize. It hurt. It hurt a lot to let friends and family down, not to mention, I felt like an alien. To be completely honest I now felt that the folks in the bar were aliens too. Around 12 o’clock Sam came in with some friends, or came in to join some friends and of course I said hello, served her a drink and kept working. I was really in the dumps and I guess my boss noticed and gave me the rest of the evening off to have a few drinks. I told him I was going home and that I’d call him later……We needed to talk. He said that I couldn’t leave as he had bought me a beer and I’ll tell you I am not one to refuse a cocktail!  Sam came to the bar to order a round of shots for her table and bought me a Jack Daniel’s. I watched as she went back to her friends. I wondered if she went through the things that I had just experienced? She’s so confident and strong how could she have? She calls me over! Oh no! I put on a smile and go over and meet her friends. They’re great! Funny, interesting, very good-looking, clever folks. I loosened up. I had a few drinks and a laugh or two and suddenly its last call and I’m walking out the door with Sam…… go play basket ball…….. in the park……… at 3am. And no; that’s not a euphemism for anything naughty. I thought about telling her about the past few days and all of the hurt, and confusion I was feeling and asking for some advice. Then it hit me! I was walking the streets at 3am to go play basketball with a 6ft tall tranny in heels carrying a pair of trainers and a basket ball and she couldn’t care less about anyone walking by or what they thought about her.

I decided right then that if she can be who she is and make no excuses for it while being much more visibly “different from me, I was not going to let anyone tell me I was wrong for being the guy I am. Sam doesn’t know how important that trip to the basketball court was and we still don’t really talk but I see her posts on Facebook and I follow her on Twitter and I still praise her confidence.

So here’s to you Sam! Thanks for being a late night basketball opponent. Oh and I’m sure anyone reading this is wondering…………………Yes.  She is great at basketball too.

Joe’s first blog.

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