Posts Tagged With: affirmation

All I wanna be.

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Ok, look, if you have read my blog entries or even better (for me, not you I’m sure) if you know me, you know that I’ve always wanted more……some might even say I’m capable of more. I think I have those things in me to be more. I mean I’ve done things……………I’ve written songs, I’ve helped folks, I’ve recently wrote an article that was published. It was published in a local magazine but still published. 

Here I am drunk and stoned and worried that my funeral may be a quiet affair. Maybe I’m just being a sensationalist but I really does hurt to feel like you have something to offer but every time you try to give you just kick yourself in the nuts. I have friends that say “keep writing” or “Write another song”. Sometimes they even say “You know, you could be an actor”. So how does this 30 year old do it? How do I become the “more” that so many folks tell me I can be? NO Really…..I’m asking!!! How do I do it? I know I’m not the only one that KNOWS that they’re worth more. You’ve played hockey or wrote or built something. I know you. I am your friend and I do my best to encourage you but we’re still here. We’re still here working and playing and washing the floor and putting the toilet seat down and buying toilet paper. 

Some of us are blessed with natural talent and good looks so we’ll (you’ll) never fail. Still some of us are broken and set back and all the things. So again I have to ask “how do WE do it?”. Hard work is SO HARD!!! I would love it if some dude came up to me one day and said: “Hey I like what you did there, can I give you money to do that?”. I don’t think that makes me lazy or makes me a                        . I think I just want my Justin Bieber moment. The most important thing to me is that you get YOUR Justin Bieber moment too. Most of us have so much more to give. Most of us have tried harder. Most of us aren’t friends with USHER. 

I know a girl. She’s beautiful, clever and she fucking loves whisky and pulled pork. She models sometimes but shes not famous (to anyone other than me). How does she get huge? How do I get to see her on a billboard? To be quite honest; Jonna deserves to be famous but really she’d have to kill a hooker to get her name known in Vancouver. So would I. Sadly, so would you. So My ultimate question is: 

How does Jeff Wragg get noticed for the pear salad he makes? How does Allison Crawford get noticed for being the best, nicest and smartest woman who ever lived? How do I help? When the these talented folks I know get their moment in the sun? I refuse to believe that it’s just hard work or “who you know”. I mean really!!!! In a world where Nickleback is famous for doing what Pearl Jam did but without the 200 live albums someone like Scott Cosgrove cannot get his book published. Maybe I’m just drunk and angry and lazy but I gotta say; I know some great folks and they are being overlooked because……………………..Well, I can’t say. So here’s to you Jonna and Jeff and Scott and Allison and all of you who’ve ever felt you’ve had more to give. Sorry for the drunk rant but I’m drunk and wanted to rant. 

 

Your boyfriend for the evening.

Joseph Rox

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A few days in……….

gratitudeGood grief! 25 views in one day and 6 followers at the moment. I know by most standards this is probably quite mediocre but I’m a little touched that a very small group of the 7 billion on this planet enjoyed my blog enough to click “follow”, let alone stick around long enough to read a post or two. So thank you. It really means alot. In an odd way it’s encouraging. I know most people love an underdog story but this isn’t that. I’m very blessed and all of my short comings are result of my own doing. But I’ll change these things and I’m glad that I have somewhere to record my progress and every view is a touch of encouragement! So, again, thanks.

You know, it’s a funny thing……….by writing some of these things down and sending them out into the cosmos of the Interweb it makes me feel accountable to everyone that has had a look. I’m excited for whats in store. I’m inspired to do a bit better and be a bit more thoughtful. I’m also a little surprised and ashamed that I haven’t felt this way after looking friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and myself in the eye when I let them down.

Shit. That’s a tough thing to admit.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening

-Joe-

(More tomorrow…….this is getting scary.)

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Hey could you speak up?

I'm having good luck finding pics for these blogs!!

I’m having good luck finding pics for these blogs!!

I’m having a pretty good day today so I’m gonna talk about something other than my self…………sorta. I’m not going to provide any statistics but I am going to make assumptions based on my view of the world and moral set. Cause I’m like that.

We all have a cause I think. Some folks stand on their soap box for gender/sexual equality, others for disease and sickness, others for mass corporate ethical type things, animal rights, famine, oppression, religion and, so on. Some of us do a great job standing up for our causes. Others? Well not so much. For instance:FIRST, There is a guy I know; funny, clever, great bartender and boy oh boy does he get folks movin!! This man is a champion for gender equality, women’s rights and even helps raise cash for a local food charity in my city. Between Facebook, blogging, public speaking, and I’m sure many other forums, he raises awareness and opens folks minds for causes that he really believes in. This is to be commended I think. On the flip side there’s another guy I know that posts articles relating to the Illuminati’s involvement in EVERYTHING on his social media. The later, in my opinion, is the equivalent to a hobo walking around with a cardboard sign that reads “The End is Neigh”.

I believe that without troubadours, philanthropists, free thinkers, Samaritans, and the like, this little blue and green rock we call home would look quite differently than it does today. With that said, I wonder if  all of this would be necessary if we all just had a touch more common courtesy. My point? Get this. In my city we have an annual summit called the SLUT WALK. This tongue in cheek named event, from my understanding, is a feminist event celebrating women’s rights and does it’s best to hammer home the idea that survivors of sexual abuse and profiling are not to blame for the crimes and offences committed against them. I’ve been to 2 of these events as a spectator and I’ll tell ya, it’s quite a scene!!  Bare with me here…………Now I know and you know that rape, abuse and any measure of being inappropriate sexually  is not only unacceptable but it’s, on a visceral level, just plain WRONG.  This is where my idea of a bit more common courtesy might come in handy. How about we don’t rape women? Well let’s go a bit farther and just not rape anyone? And on the off chance that someone is abused…….let’s not blame the victim. OK?

Did you feel how silly that was? Suggesting that maybe if folks just didn’t do wrong, we wouldn’t need these empowered folks to raise awareness and bring light to some of these horrible issues? What a dream right? I guess my point is this:

This summer when you see a group of folks gathered somewhere with a bull horn and a soap box maybe have a listen. It could be a PRIDE march, Student protest, whatever it is it’ll be hard to miss I’m sure.  Find out what they’re making a fuss about because until we, as a global unit, reach a collective agreement on what is right and wrong we NEED these passionate speakers, demonstrators, artists, bloggers, and organizers to rally for and with folks with a unified voice to say “Um…..hey those things yer doin? Yeah, that’s kinda shitty and here’s why. Think you could cut it out? Thanks pal, sorry for blocking the street but we just had to let you know”

Cheers to the ones that raise their voices and by no means am I including myself in that bunch of courageous folks.

-Your boyfriend for the Evening-

-Joe

(Do I use the word “folks” too much?)

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Love and Rockets……… (or how to fall in love with everything)

I wish I built this image!!

I wish I built this image!!

My last entry seemed to be received well and I feel a touch lighter for having let it out there for anyone to see. This has driven me to my next confession: I love you, now watch me run away from you. Here’s the thing, anyone that shows me the least bit of affection I must, ABSOLUTELY must say and do things to let them know exactly how I can ruin a potentially healthy and meaningful relationship.  I’ve been engaged twice, I’ve bought 3 engagement rings, I’ve lived with 4 different love interests and tore  just about every relationship I’ve ever had into pieces at some point or another.

I know it may sound like I’m beating myself up or even being a bit of a sensationalist but I’m just doing my best to be as honest as I can because you never know who may pass by this little spot in the world wide web. I’m not going to make a list or get into the gory details of my love life but I will say that every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve had the best intentions from the beginning. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I believe that my capacity for love may be larger than some folks. I’ve wholeheartedly loved a man, a girl with a debilitating anxiety disorder, a kleptomaniac and a drag queen. I’ve helped with situations from drug abuse to financial peril, from sexual abuse to suicide attempts. This doesn’t excuse the amount of leaving I have done. I’d just like to give you a picture of my intentions. Here’s how these things happen: I meet someone that enjoys my company. My next thought is “Shit they’re gonna fuck off when they realize I’m just me”. So, I build my self up with things like dinner and songs on my guitar and stories of my past and my travels. Then SEX!! Then cuddles and hand holding………Then, I pull the trigger. “I think you’re really special sweetheart and I really what to spend more time with you” . Now this sounds like the usual path of healthy dating right? Kind of is, except this whole scenario happens in one evening.  I say and do these things and the person in my bed believes me so they call, and text and think of me when they’re out and then the next time we see eachother it’s too close for me but I know I’ve said and done these things and if I came clean now I’d look like a liar. I keep the charade going and give all of my self to it while keeping it at an arms length. Then 3 weeks, or 6 years later I say it’s too much. I pick out minor things that mean “We can’t be together” and make them huge. Now for the grand exit. “You’re very special to me and I’m hurting just as much as you but it has to be this way”. Exit stage left. Curtain down. Audience gives standing ovation.

Now the previous paragraph may read as a prideful guide to get laid but I wrote it with all humor of a regretful guy that despite his best efforts is waking up alone on a Wednesday morning. I’m not proud. Since New Years I’ve really felt a need for change from my detrimental, abusive and full of excess type lifestyle. My plan? Well……..Really I don’t have a PLAN yet but I do have an idea. I’m going to start with this blog. Admission and seeing the things I do in black and white, back lit on my laptop at 9 am is very humbling. Ultimately honesty with myself and self control are the keys for a bit of change and I know it’ll take some time. There are a couple important people in my life that I’ve reached out to and started the process of apology and laid the first bricks on the road to a healthy FRIENDSHIP. Having a look at this blog every now and again may help a bit aswell. I’m still going to sign off on these blogs the way I always do because I like the way it sounds and I may or may not have stole it from George Strombolompolus. Thanks for taking a few moments to have a bit of a look-see into my life. Stay tuned for the next bit of honesty and catharsis.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening,

-Joe-

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My Jobs…….All Of ‘Em!!

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Just found this. Moved me a bit.

So it’s been quite a while since I’ve even looked at my WordPress account. In that time very little has changed. To be quite honest, very little has changed in my life since I was 15 years old. Sure my address may have changed a few times, I may have been in and out of relationships and I have definitely switched jobs………….many, many times. My life has remained a constant Groundhog Day, so to speak, for a million and one reasons.

My Point?

Time for a change, I think. I’m planning to do my best to change the important things. The things that, in my opinion, after a few weeks of introspection, self inventory, and honesty are most important  for a healthier relationship with myself, friends, and loved ones. This ain’t gonna be easy I’m sure but I’m promising anyone who may happen to stumble upon this stranger’s blog to give it a fair shake and see where it goes.

I think it best to do it in stages. I’ll let go of some secrets, reveal some lies, tell a bit of the truth and then every so often talk about where I’d really like to be………….So here goes!! I figured I’d start out by listing EVERY job I’ve ever had. This won’t be easy because there’s quite a bit of shame associated to this subject because I’ve had ALOT of jobs. Many (actually MOST) of them I was fired, let go, terminated ect. for various reasons. In many cases it was because I am not a punctual person, I feel entitled and worthy of praise for no good reason, or I simply gave up. I’m a prideful person with no real reason for it. I naturally feel superior to most people at most of my jobs and I am there for instant gratification, praise, beer money, to stave off boredom and mainly because it’s something to do. In almost every instance I’ve experienced a level of anxiety in building myself up so high that my skill cannot keep up and eventually I cannot get back to just being the new guy. In short I get a job, I build myself up, I cannot make good on my claims and I’m fired in 6 months.

That’s the Truth! I’d like to change these ways of thinking. I’d like to come to work and just do the job. I’d like to not interrupt another bartender and spew out my bartending credentials or after meeting a co-worker for the first time immediately imagine I’m  an integral part of the social fabric of that workplace. I’d like to be a bit more motivated by the pursuit of a JOB WELL DONE. I’d also like to experience less anxiety about starting a new day at work and just be the NEW GUY……….

My Job History (starting at age 15……I’m 30 now)

  1. McDonalds
  2. Protocol (tele-marketing)
  3. Randy River (retail)
  4. McDonalds (second time)
  5. Rainbow Lounge (first bar I ever worked at)
  6. Minix Tele-Marketing
  7. The WERX (bar/nightclub)
  8. Canway (mfg. plant)
  9. Jolly Farmers (pub in England)
  10. Route 66 (bar)
  11. Acclemation (restaurant)
  12. Subway
  13. Hill Program (group home)
  14. Good Shepherd Center (group home)
  15. McDonalds (3rd time)
  16. Bell Canada (CSR)
  17. Hamilton Windows & Doors (tele-marketer)
  18. Honest Lawyer (bar)
  19. Jax Bar (karaoke host)
  20. Old Fire Hall (karaoke host)
  21. Jolly Farmers (2nd time)
  22. Castle Tavern (England)
  23. Thirst (cocktail bar England)
  24. The Lodge (Gentleman’s Club England)
  25. Beaver and Bulldog (pub)
  26. Burger King
  27. Grand Olympia (banquet hall)
  28. The Homestead (bar)
  29. Endzone (karaoke host)
  30. Splitzville (bowling alley)
  31. Honest Lawyer (2nd time)
  32. Sarcoa (bar/restaurant)
  33. Proctor Manor (group home)
  34. Boston Pizza
  35. Boston Pizza (2nd location)
  36. The Firkin on Younge (bar)

In between these jobs I also took part time jobs in Roofing, Tiling, Demolition, Being a musician, hosting Open Mic Nights, Moving, among others.

This list is very shameful and I’ve gotta say, very embarrassing! I think Ive now reached a critical point in my life where I’ve recognized a problem and I’m trying to build a skill-set to change it. I don’t want to be the brunt of employment jokes to my friends anymore, I don’t want to see another unsurprised face when I say I’m “unemployed at the moment”. I absolutely don’t want to be fired again and I don’t want to feel the way I do anymore Realizing that I’ve had almost 40 jobs (probably more) in only 15 years and the shear mathematics of it all is just mortifying. I can’t say I have a fool proof plan at the moment but I believe that by taking small steps to keep myself conscious of the little things I do that become big indicators that I may not be a productive or contributory employee will help. I’m going to keep a copy of this list in my wallet to remind me how horrible I’d feel having to add another Employer to it. I’m going to do my best to keep my mouth shut and not be over familiar. And boy oh boy I gotta get to work on time, prepared, with a full stomach, with all the tools I need to do my job effectively and last but not least I MUST be honest with myself regarding my weaknesses and my strengths.

Here’s to doing my best.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening

-Joe-

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