Posts Tagged With: bisexual

A few days in……….

gratitudeGood grief! 25 views in one day and 6 followers at the moment. I know by most standards this is probably quite mediocre but I’m a little touched that a very small group of the 7 billion on this planet enjoyed my blog enough to click “follow”, let alone stick around long enough to read a post or two. So thank you. It really means alot. In an odd way it’s encouraging. I know most people love an underdog story but this isn’t that. I’m very blessed and all of my short comings are result of my own doing. But I’ll change these things and I’m glad that I have somewhere to record my progress and every view is a touch of encouragement! So, again, thanks.

You know, it’s a funny thing……….by writing some of these things down and sending them out into the cosmos of the Interweb it makes me feel accountable to everyone that has had a look. I’m excited for whats in store. I’m inspired to do a bit better and be a bit more thoughtful. I’m also a little surprised and ashamed that I haven’t felt this way after looking friends, girlfriends, boyfriends and myself in the eye when I let them down.

Shit. That’s a tough thing to admit.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening

-Joe-

(More tomorrow…….this is getting scary.)

Advertisements
Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Love and Rockets……… (or how to fall in love with everything)

I wish I built this image!!

I wish I built this image!!

My last entry seemed to be received well and I feel a touch lighter for having let it out there for anyone to see. This has driven me to my next confession: I love you, now watch me run away from you. Here’s the thing, anyone that shows me the least bit of affection I must, ABSOLUTELY must say and do things to let them know exactly how I can ruin a potentially healthy and meaningful relationship.  I’ve been engaged twice, I’ve bought 3 engagement rings, I’ve lived with 4 different love interests and tore  just about every relationship I’ve ever had into pieces at some point or another.

I know it may sound like I’m beating myself up or even being a bit of a sensationalist but I’m just doing my best to be as honest as I can because you never know who may pass by this little spot in the world wide web. I’m not going to make a list or get into the gory details of my love life but I will say that every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve had the best intentions from the beginning. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I believe that my capacity for love may be larger than some folks. I’ve wholeheartedly loved a man, a girl with a debilitating anxiety disorder, a kleptomaniac and a drag queen. I’ve helped with situations from drug abuse to financial peril, from sexual abuse to suicide attempts. This doesn’t excuse the amount of leaving I have done. I’d just like to give you a picture of my intentions. Here’s how these things happen: I meet someone that enjoys my company. My next thought is “Shit they’re gonna fuck off when they realize I’m just me”. So, I build my self up with things like dinner and songs on my guitar and stories of my past and my travels. Then SEX!! Then cuddles and hand holding………Then, I pull the trigger. “I think you’re really special sweetheart and I really what to spend more time with you” . Now this sounds like the usual path of healthy dating right? Kind of is, except this whole scenario happens in one evening.  I say and do these things and the person in my bed believes me so they call, and text and think of me when they’re out and then the next time we see eachother it’s too close for me but I know I’ve said and done these things and if I came clean now I’d look like a liar. I keep the charade going and give all of my self to it while keeping it at an arms length. Then 3 weeks, or 6 years later I say it’s too much. I pick out minor things that mean “We can’t be together” and make them huge. Now for the grand exit. “You’re very special to me and I’m hurting just as much as you but it has to be this way”. Exit stage left. Curtain down. Audience gives standing ovation.

Now the previous paragraph may read as a prideful guide to get laid but I wrote it with all humor of a regretful guy that despite his best efforts is waking up alone on a Wednesday morning. I’m not proud. Since New Years I’ve really felt a need for change from my detrimental, abusive and full of excess type lifestyle. My plan? Well……..Really I don’t have a PLAN yet but I do have an idea. I’m going to start with this blog. Admission and seeing the things I do in black and white, back lit on my laptop at 9 am is very humbling. Ultimately honesty with myself and self control are the keys for a bit of change and I know it’ll take some time. There are a couple important people in my life that I’ve reached out to and started the process of apology and laid the first bricks on the road to a healthy FRIENDSHIP. Having a look at this blog every now and again may help a bit aswell. I’m still going to sign off on these blogs the way I always do because I like the way it sounds and I may or may not have stole it from George Strombolompolus. Thanks for taking a few moments to have a bit of a look-see into my life. Stay tuned for the next bit of honesty and catharsis.

-Your Boyfriend for the Evening,

-Joe-

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Another coming out story?

That one night.So here it is! My first ever blog, though I’m kind of winging it as I am unsure how a blog differs from a diary……oh well here goes nothin’!

I could keep my first post light and talk about Lady Gaga’s new video or how, at the moment, I’m not extremely excited for the holidays but there are more pressing issues to blog about. I’d like to dedicate my first blog to Samantha. Samantha was another face that popped into my life when I was a nineteen year old bartender struggling with my sexuality, drugs and, my first bartending job. We weren’t really “friends” so to speak we’d say “hello” or share a joke at the bar but that was it. I guess I was more of a “fan” of  her confidence. Sam is a trans woman. She’s active in the community,  quite a good role model, always open and, was quite a big inspiration to me while I was coming out. Though she may not have known it at the time.

My “coming out” was as much as it could be for a bi-sexual guy that grew up in a shitty area of a poor Canadian steel town. The first friend I lost upon telling him that “I kinda like boys” devastated me. I couldn’t believe it was happening. I was appalled at his ignorance and I felt like there was something wrong with me. And I mean that, I felt there was something wrong with my whole life and everything I knew as “OK” or “normal”.When he asked my if I ever looked at his “junk” while changing when we went swimming as kids hit me pretty hard. How dare he!?!  I went to work at a little gay bar in my city and started the day shift just shattered. I started to think of what my other friends thought of me working here and me meeting boys. Should I just kiss those friends goodbye and save myself  the hurt and anger ? After work  I met my mother at her apartment for a home cooked meal (I was 19 and living on my own at the time and mom cooking me a meal was an EVENT!!). I came out to her telling her that “there’s a boy in my life and he’s cool and  I wasn’t ready for a “boyfriend” but he makes me happy”. Of course I ensured her that I was still very much into girls as she always wants grandchildren. That conversation did not go well………….I’ll just say I was out the door before the salad hit the table. There I was: nineteen years old, hurt and confused because of who I am while walking home half in tears (how dramatic huh?). I spent the next two days in my basement apt drinking cheap beer, ignoring the phone and, feeling sorry for myself.

Thursday! Back to work at the bar. I had decided that this life wasn’t for me and that it must have been a phase. I was planning to tell my boss at the end of that shift I was quitting then I would go home and call my mom and apologize. It hurt. It hurt a lot to let friends and family down, not to mention, I felt like an alien. To be completely honest I now felt that the folks in the bar were aliens too. Around 12 o’clock Sam came in with some friends, or came in to join some friends and of course I said hello, served her a drink and kept working. I was really in the dumps and I guess my boss noticed and gave me the rest of the evening off to have a few drinks. I told him I was going home and that I’d call him later……We needed to talk. He said that I couldn’t leave as he had bought me a beer and I’ll tell you I am not one to refuse a cocktail!  Sam came to the bar to order a round of shots for her table and bought me a Jack Daniel’s. I watched as she went back to her friends. I wondered if she went through the things that I had just experienced? She’s so confident and strong how could she have? She calls me over! Oh no! I put on a smile and go over and meet her friends. They’re great! Funny, interesting, very good-looking, clever folks. I loosened up. I had a few drinks and a laugh or two and suddenly its last call and I’m walking out the door with Sam……..to go play basket ball…….. in the park……… at 3am. And no; that’s not a euphemism for anything naughty. I thought about telling her about the past few days and all of the hurt, and confusion I was feeling and asking for some advice. Then it hit me! I was walking the streets at 3am to go play basketball with a 6ft tall tranny in heels carrying a pair of trainers and a basket ball and she couldn’t care less about anyone walking by or what they thought about her.

I decided right then that if she can be who she is and make no excuses for it while being much more visibly “different from me, I was not going to let anyone tell me I was wrong for being the guy I am. Sam doesn’t know how important that trip to the basketball court was and we still don’t really talk but I see her posts on Facebook and I follow her on Twitter and I still praise her confidence.

So here’s to you Sam! Thanks for being a late night basketball opponent. Oh and I’m sure anyone reading this is wondering…………………Yes.  She is great at basketball too.

Joe’s first blog.

Categories: Coming out | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.