My last entry seemed to be received well and I feel a touch lighter for having let it out there for anyone to see. This has driven me to my next confession: I love you, now watch me run away from you. Here’s the thing, anyone that shows me the least bit of affection I must, ABSOLUTELY must say and do things to let them know exactly how I can ruin a potentially healthy and meaningful relationship. I’ve been engaged twice, I’ve bought 3 engagement rings, I’ve lived with 4 different love interests and tore just about every relationship I’ve ever had into pieces at some point or another.
I know it may sound like I’m beating myself up or even being a bit of a sensationalist but I’m just doing my best to be as honest as I can because you never know who may pass by this little spot in the world wide web. I’m not going to make a list or get into the gory details of my love life but I will say that every relationship I’ve ever had I’ve had the best intentions from the beginning. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I believe that my capacity for love may be larger than some folks. I’ve wholeheartedly loved a man, a girl with a debilitating anxiety disorder, a kleptomaniac and a drag queen. I’ve helped with situations from drug abuse to financial peril, from sexual abuse to suicide attempts. This doesn’t excuse the amount of leaving I have done. I’d just like to give you a picture of my intentions. Here’s how these things happen: I meet someone that enjoys my company. My next thought is “Shit they’re gonna fuck off when they realize I’m just me”. So, I build my self up with things like dinner and songs on my guitar and stories of my past and my travels. Then SEX!! Then cuddles and hand holding………Then, I pull the trigger. “I think you’re really special sweetheart and I really what to spend more time with you” . Now this sounds like the usual path of healthy dating right? Kind of is, except this whole scenario happens in one evening. I say and do these things and the person in my bed believes me so they call, and text and think of me when they’re out and then the next time we see eachother it’s too close for me but I know I’ve said and done these things and if I came clean now I’d look like a liar. I keep the charade going and give all of my self to it while keeping it at an arms length. Then 3 weeks, or 6 years later I say it’s too much. I pick out minor things that mean “We can’t be together” and make them huge. Now for the grand exit. “You’re very special to me and I’m hurting just as much as you but it has to be this way”. Exit stage left. Curtain down. Audience gives standing ovation.
Now the previous paragraph may read as a prideful guide to get laid but I wrote it with all humor of a regretful guy that despite his best efforts is waking up alone on a Wednesday morning. I’m not proud. Since New Years I’ve really felt a need for change from my detrimental, abusive and full of excess type lifestyle. My plan? Well……..Really I don’t have a PLAN yet but I do have an idea. I’m going to start with this blog. Admission and seeing the things I do in black and white, back lit on my laptop at 9 am is very humbling. Ultimately honesty with myself and self control are the keys for a bit of change and I know it’ll take some time. There are a couple important people in my life that I’ve reached out to and started the process of apology and laid the first bricks on the road to a healthy FRIENDSHIP. Having a look at this blog every now and again may help a bit aswell. I’m still going to sign off on these blogs the way I always do because I like the way it sounds and I may or may not have stole it from George Strombolompolus. Thanks for taking a few moments to have a bit of a look-see into my life. Stay tuned for the next bit of honesty and catharsis.
-Your Boyfriend for the Evening,